


The Weather Man

by Card



Series: you and me, we got our own sense of time [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Not actually about the movie "The Weather Man"
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:34:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27568357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Card/pseuds/Card
Summary: A Jane side-fic set during Chapter 15 Of Andrew Hussie Stole My Webcomic. This is what you get when you select==> Be Jane.
Series: you and me, we got our own sense of time [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2015131
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	The Weather Man

“I don't predict it. Nobody does, 'cause i-it's just wind. It's wind. It blows all over the place! What the fuck!” **The Weather Man**

**== > Be Jane.**

Why would you be anyone else, silly?

Oh, but nevermind what twists and turns that train of thought might lead you down; you have a feeling that wouldn’t be the first time that’s happened before.

Your name is JANE CROCKER and you have a multitude of COOL INTERESTS and NIFTY TRAITS. You love reading DETECTIVE STORIES and think you are quite the expert PRANKSTER. You also love to BAKE and, you should add, you are the HEIRESS TO A BAKING GOODS EMPIRE. It also never hurts to admit that you are the BIGGEST FAN of it. As of yesterday, it seems like you have gained some INSANELY NEAT MAGIC HEALING POWERS. You are obsessed with SEVERAL OTHER THINGS too that you could dwell on, but the most important thing about you currently is that you are TOTALLY NOT A FAN of when your BROTHER decides to SPONTANEOUSLY TURN INTO A HUMAN TORNADO, which just so happens to be what is currently going down.

The sound of the wind emitting from your brother, John, that is tearing up the whole place is loud enough on its own but add in the property damage and breaking objects, you can barely hear a thing! While you would normally run outside for help, since you got your dad shot the other day, you have been stuck on house arrest and if you are caught out, you are done for!. And yes, you have basically been on house arrest most of your life but this is somehow more powerful.

You would also get your dad but he is a tough guy and after you healed him up, he went back to work without any issue. This means you are all alone with who is completely destroying the house! Even worse, it doesn’t seem like he knows how to stop it.

John is shouting at you- or it looks like he is shouting at you but is actually mouthing words. Either way, you can’t hear him and definitely can understand any word he is saying.

You use your arm to block oncoming debris as you struggle to move closer to the source of the wind.

“WHAT?” You shout back at him as loud as you can. John’s face twists up in confusion as he tries to stop this windy-thing he has been doing.

John mouths the word “WHAT?” right back at you and are hit with the realization that yelling is getting you nowhere. You need to get help from someone, if not a person who knows what is happening then a person who can try to calm John down. Maybe this is influenced by emotions!

Similarly, you are also hit with a copy of _Colonel Sasacre’s Daunting Text of Magical Frivolity and Practical Japery_ signed by both Nanna and Poppop.

The sheer mass of the book and the already pretty heavy winds sends you flying backward. You narrowly manage to avoid hitting the entryway to the kitchen as you do so and instead, cling onto the wall to avoid crashing into any expensive or sharp cookware.

You tuck yourself behind the wall you caught yourself on and think about how taken for granted light breezes are. You doubt people have to deal with this on a regular basis and if someone has to deal with this more than once in their lifetime, you desperately empathize with them.

But nevermind that. You have to think, Crocker! Who can help you in your time of need and if you’re lucky, coincidentally has experience with strange phenomenons like this? You might also need to take the time to thank each of your friends individually for being each so distinctly unique that out of the three best pals you have, you know immediately which one to contact.

gutsyGumshoe [GG] has started pestering golgothasTerror [GT]

GG: Jake!

GG: I have a hypothetical question that may or may not pertain to an awful situation I find myself in!

GT: Gosh what seems to be the problem?

GG: Have you ever emitted wind from your body before? :B

GT: I beg your pardon?

GG: No! Not like that silly!

GG: I mean, like high-powered winds in all directions like a human fan!

GT: I dont think i would to have gathered that from your initial question.

GG: This is a hypothetical emergency!

GT: *Okay* okay i have to pour on it for a moment but rest assured i am aware of your urgency!

GT: Well i dont believe i have ever turned into a *human fan* as you say nor seen any other ol chap turn into one so i and positively dumbfounded on what i would do if i ever *were* in that sort of situation!

GT: Trust me on this if you are in that predicament i wish you all the best of luck.

GT: Goodness knows jade and i have had our share of baffling situations!

GG: So you have no idea what to do if I am somehow in this situation and John is somehow a human leafblower?

GG: Absolutely no clue.

GG: Welp. It was worth a try, thanks a lot Jake.

GT: I am regretful i could not be of more assistance.

GT: Try strider he might know!

GT: Take care!

gutsyGumshoe [GG] has ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT]

Well, that was a bust and it seems like the winds are only picking up more and more. Maybe you should try Dirk.

You peak around the corner of the wall to check in on John and he looks very close to crying out of pure panic. Through all the debris, you can see the tremble of his outstretched hands trying to stop the winds as one might in a superhero movie. Every twist of his wrist or movement of his arm sends a large gust of wind propelling objects in that direction. With each bout of destruction, John inches closer and closer to a full-blown meltdown. And really, who can blame him? Certainly not you.

You don't exactly know how much help Dirk is going to be. To be completely honest, you only contacted Jake because you know how often he talks about the weird island he lives on with Jade (Which sounded completely bonkers at first but after some irrefutable proof, you came around). Dirk's whole thing was more robotics and technology, right? You doubt he's going to know any more, especially if Jake came up with a blank. And you can admit that Jake puts everyone he's ever met on a pedestal so it's to be expected he would refer you to either Dirk or even Roxy. But who knows, maybe Dirk is some secret, closeted meteorologist.

Even though it says he's offline, you're hoping he gets your message. To your luck, he ends up responding! Thank god.

gutsyGumshoe [GG] has started pestering timeausTestified [TT]

GG: Hello, Dirk, do you happen to know anything about wind? :B

TT: Besides anything that I have learned in mandatory science classes? No.

TT: Why?

GG: I’ll be frank with you, Dirk, John has turned into the human equivalent of a tornado and is unable to stop the wind.

GG: Jake had nothing and John is heading towards a full meltdown.

TT: Has John tried stopping it on his own?

TT: I admit that I’ve never heard of anything like that.

TT: … Unless this is one of your pranks and you are actually referring to a sudden development of Gastrointestinal Disorder.

GG: This is unfortunately not a prank and he has tried stopping it on his own but that causes more damage. 

GG: I’m almost afraid the house is going to completely collapse!

GG: And John is totally freaking out! Should I try to calm him down?

timeausTestified [TT] has gone offline.

“Shit!” You shout in dismay, nearly throwing your phone to the ground in your bout of emotions. And it sounded like he was about to give you some actual advice. Just when you were finally progressing, too!

God, stay cool, Crocker. You have to help John and you are getting nowhere really fast! Not only that but Dirk isn't the type to just go offline randomly so something must have happened to him. You'll get someone to check on him later but for now, you've got bigger fishes to fry.

One last person. One more before you have to decide whether to go outside and get assassinated or rush John and try to get the wind to stop. Well, you don't actually know if there is an assassin outside but after yesterday, it seems pretty likely. You would risk it if you had to but you still feel like you have more options.

You choose your next contact carefully. Maybe if you get one of John’s friends, they can help calm him down and maybe the wind will die down. 

Despite not talking to John's friends nearly enough, you know plenty about them all, especially since they are all the younger siblings of your friends. Sure, Rose and Jade are pretty reliable but Dave seems like the choice to go with. If Jake didn't know anything about this wind then it's an easy conclusion to make that Jade wouldn't know anything either. And Rose seems like the type of person to try and figure out an answer when all you really want at this point is to calm John down. And John and Dave have always been "best bros" for as long as you've known Dave.

gutsyGumshoe [GG] has started pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

GG: Dave, I know we don’t talk a whole ton but please I need you to answer.

GG: John’s in trouble and I don’t know what to do!

GG: I tried talking to Jake and Dirk because those two seem like the type of people to have dealt with something like this before but Jake didn’t know and Dirk suddenly went offline.

GG: You’ve got to help me!

TG: what the fuck happened

TG: or is happening

TG: this is seeming like a currently going down kind of shit

GG: John is doing some windy thing where he just spontaneously generated super strong winds like magic!

GG: I am so tired of explaining what is happening just tell me what to do or message him or try to calm him down, I don’t know just help me!

TG: oh ok cool uh

TG: is he freaking out

TG: i mean probably right?

TG: what kind of person would be in the situation like john is and not be freaking out

TG: well probably no one since this is probably the first windy bullshit thing in history

GG: Dave!

TG: im thinking bro just chill

TG: i think his phone was destroyed unless pesterchum is fucking with me

TG: try standing close to him and see if you can touch him

GG: What good will that do?

TG: you wanted help and im not a fucking wind expert

TG: im grabbin at the same straws as you are

TG: if you can get over to him we can maybe both force a chill pill down his throat so he doesnt keep freaking out

Right. Ok, cool. You’ve got this!

Everything that once was set up ever so nicely in the living room as been pushed up against every available wall, trapped on the staircase, or blown out the window so you don’t have to worry about dodging debris. You just have to make it to John. 

John is looking a lot worse for wear. He is on his knees with his head touching floor and both hands cradling his face. While you can’t hear anything, it easy to tell that he is either shaking with sobs or shaking because of fear. Perhaps it’s somewhere in between.

Each step tests your balance and threatens to send you tumbling back but you slowly inch your way forway until you are right next to John

You call out his name. It seems like the most poetic and direct thing to do. John pauses and slowly looks up at you. Almost instantly, the wind dies down a bit. So it is triggered by how he’s feeling! So if you and Dave can calm him down everything should be fine and maybe you guys can clean up before dad gets back… Nanna’s ashes and Poppop’s dismembered taxidermy corpse is probably going to be hard to explain though

With that small drop in wind speed, you are able to drop to your knees and put your arm around John. Everything is calmer once you touch him. The wind does stop but it’s like you step into a bubble of protection that the wind radiates from. John practically sinks into your embrace and you can hear his heart pounding loudly in his chest.

GG: I got him. He’s still not completely calm and the wind hasn’t stopped.

GG: When I got close to him initially, the wind died down a bit so we were right, it’s tied into how he’s feeling!

TG: fuck yes

GG: Thank you so much, Dave! 

GG: Also, did anything happen to Dirk? He suddenly went offline when we were talking and I was wondering if something was up.

TG: dirk?

TG: i havent seen him all day so i couldnt tell you

GG: Oh. :B

John is still shaking like crazy and his breaths are shuttered as he leans against your side. He hasn’t done this since you guys were a lot younger so, in a weird way, this is really nostalgic.

“Are you ok?” You ask him tentatively and John lets out one long exhale.

“Way better now. M-Man, dad’s gonna be pissed when he gets back,” John responds and you can’t help but smile. Even with the wind still going on, he’s worried about that

“I’m sure he’ll get over it.”

John stifles a laugh and you can see the curtains that were practically horizontal because of the wind slowly inch back to their normal vertical selves as the wind dies down

“Who were you talking to, by the way?” He questions after a couple of seconds and you hold up your phone for him to see. Dave has been patient enough with you throughout this… you should send him a Crocker-brand gift basket!

“Dirk’s little brother. We were worried about you! Do you want to talk to him?” You ask and John nods eagerly, taking the phone from you and typing a quick message.

The wind goes away completely the moment John gets caught in a conversation with Dave and relief fills your body.

What the hell was that? You know you got super cool healing superpowers but those stopped instantly after Dad! John must be magic too, but how did this even happen. Something is definitely not right but you are way too tired to even think about that. A nap would be really nice, lord knows you and John need it and there is still the entire living room to clean up! Oh, dear…

You lie back onto the floor, not even wanting to look around at the mess, drowsiness nearly consuming you entirely as John happily messages his friend.

Eh, you can just blame it on a bomb or something.


End file.
